To Friends and Family

I think some people become a bit bewildered when a conversation with me somehow ends up on religion. The man that they once perceived as a quiet nice guy can turn animated and apparently angry. I thought I should clarify some things so that you don’t get the wrong impression of who I am.

A short religion-related autobiography: I considered myself a Christian until approximately 6 years ago at about age 45. I have always harbored some doubts about Christianity, but never gave it the thought it deserved… I just went with the flow. I was raised in an environment where Christianity was assumed, but not pushed. Unlike some members of my family, I was never evangelical. Not due to lack of conviction, but because I have an introverted personality.

I went through a very painful divorce about 8 years ago after 20 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart. I was a faithful husband and dedicated father and would have literally bet my life that I was a lifelong partner in an extremely strong marriage. It started out as a distance between us, then spiraled quickly out of control when my then wife’s behavior changed dramatically. I pleaded in vain with her to slow or stop her disassembly of our marriage, especially for our daughter’s sake. All to no avail.

I was not the one who broke the marriage vows, nor was I the one who filed for and relentlessly pursued a divorce. My ex-wife subsequently married the primary motivation behind her decision to divorce me: the already twice-divorced airline pilot that lived literally across the street.

Fortunately, through a mutual friend, I met and courted a beautiful woman that was divorcing a cheating husband after 17 years of marriage. She lived across the country, but was willing to relocate from one coast to another and become my wife.

Life was good again.

But not for long.

My ex-wife announced that she and her new husband were moving 2000 miles away to Texas and she intended to take my daughters with her. I was devastated and confused by her announcement, as our divorce agreement specifically prevented us from relocating more than 50 miles away from each other without the other’s consent. I refused to consent, so she sued me to modify our divorce agreement. Not satisfied in merely breaking her marriage vows, she was compelled to break our divorce agreement as well. How a parent can willingly make a decision to remove a child from daily contact with a loving father is something I will never understand. It is subhuman.

This ordeal was more painful to me than the divorce, as I could not imagine being separated from my daughters by thousands of miles. I initially hired a lawyer and with backing from friends and family fought my ex-wife in court. The court has on record 27 formal testimonies from family and friends attesting to my character as a father and husband. It was all for naught, however, as Washington State could not care less about a father’s rights, and allowed her to take my daughters away from me against my will.

Shortly thereafter, I decided to move to Texas regardless of the consequences. If it cost me my second marriage, my career, or the relationship with my family, so be it. Nothing was more important to me than being an involved father to my daughters. My new wife and step-daughter thankfully agreed to go and I quit my 24 year career and headed south.

Given the circumstances, after 4 years things could not be going better. We are presently enjoying our new life with good jobs in a warm friendly state, a nice home, and a working relationship with my ex-wife. My daughters are flourishing and happy.

I mention the divorce and relocation ordeal because many people think they were the cause of my stray from Christianity. Not true. My faith in God actually strengthened. My faith in Christianity, however, took a nosedive simply because it was put to the ultimate test: I attempted to teach it to my daughters.

Through their young innocent eyes, Christianity took on a whole new meaning. Before they learned to read very well, I loved to read them bedtime stories. It was when I read to them “Children’s Stories from the Bible” that I got a knot in my stomach and was forced to come to terms with my doubts. The story of Abraham, as just one example of many, being ordered by God to kill his own son could not be glossed over in cute child’s prose and literally made me sick. When we watched together one of my then favorite animated films, “The Prince of Egypt” it suddenly hit me that I was watching a hideous distortion of the concept of a loving creator: God actually murders every innocent firstborn child in Egypt. I was watching a holy snuff film with my children, and the god I wanted them to love was doing the murdering! I was sickened again.

I earnestly began doing research on Christianity. I read as much of the bible as I could stomach. I visited the internet for arguments on both sides. I participated in forums where religion was being questioned. I talked to friends and family. I read books. I dove deeply into the feelings within my own soul. I prayed. I used my God-given intelligence and reasoning power to come to conclusions that have shaken the very foundation of my beliefs. Perhaps my ordeal of divorce and relocation has resulted in an open mind… So much of my life had fundamentally changed that perhaps a change in spiritual beliefs became possible.

I did not want or choose to go through this ordeal, but I had to do it. As painful as it was, I am much better off because of it. Where I had doubts before, I am now at peace with God. I am not, however, at peace about religion in general and I find myself easily animated and angered when discussing religion with others. Fortunately, my wife and I agree about Christianity and share many religious views. As I did, she always had doubts about her religion, and although she loved much about the traditions of Catholicism, she never bought into many of its basic concepts.

Unlike my wife, my siblings want to hear nothing more about my feelings on religion. My mom has been a wonderful and understanding best friend, but is in a position of alienating my sisters and brother if she were to accept my views. I understand. We continue to be best friends and I call her at least weekly, but we talk about religion hardly ever anymore.

The emotional roller-coaster I have experienced is very common amongst ex-Christians.
We go through the same basic emotional cycles as we would if a loved one died. And basically that is exactly what has happened. There’s a cycle of denial, anger, acceptance, then repeat. My emotional cycles continue, but they have eased significantly.

I realize that there is nothing that I can say or do to convince a Christian that God is not represented by the Bible. After all, I am an intelligent man that believed in the Bible for 45 years. Something has to happen in your own life to trigger your own inner journey. Once your journey starts, many “good-intentioned” Christian influences will attempt to stop it. For me, however, the trip was impossible to stop, and after a long and turbulent journey, a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Christianity has become a bizarre immoral charade.

Have I become an Atheist? When it comes to the biblical god, absolutely. The biblical god is now in the same class as Thor, Zeus, or Apollo. I continue to grow in my relationship with God, whomever or whatever he/she is, even though God is far less defined to me than before. I know much more about what God is not, than what God is. In any case, I have felt a very strong personal message from God that can be completely summed up in a simple sentence:

God is not defined by the Bible.

If you have some of the same doubts about Christianity that I did, you owe it to yourself (and God!) to pursue them. I have some web site recommendations listed. Please note that by my referencing these sites, I am not necessarily agreeing or endorsing. I have simply found them thought provoking. If you want more references, ask, as I have many more.

www.religioustolerance.org - Religious Tolerance. A great study resource
www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~slocks/decon.html - Leaving Christianity. Testimonies and links.
www.talkorigins.org/ - Exploring the Creation/Evolution Controversy. Science Heaven!
www.skepticsannotatedbible.com - Skeptics Annotated Bible. Entire Bible online and commented.
www.ffrf.org/index2.php - Freedom From Religion Foundation
www.godisimaginary.com – God is Imaginary. Straight forward reasoning, although I think it should be called “The Biblical God is Imaginary”.

Because of my journey, I have learned much about myself and those in my life. If you were a part of it, whether you supported me or not, I thank you. Please feel free to contact me if you would like more information or simply to share your thoughts.

Dave